We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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