grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
