Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
