I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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