someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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