At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
