The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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