You really coming over, don't trick.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
