Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
