I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
