Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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