I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
