She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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