His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
