I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
