DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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