guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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