So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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