Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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