Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
