Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize