i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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