my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
