either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize