I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
