sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
