Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
