Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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