You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
