this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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