Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
