Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
