I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
