I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
