ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
