I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
