i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
