forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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