Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
