Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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