I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
