Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize