fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
