Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
