I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
