does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
