My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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