I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
