Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
