He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
