Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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