I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
