someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Randomize
