billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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