ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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