I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
