Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
