im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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