your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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