I wanna bring you to show and tell
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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