Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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