did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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