Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
