My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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